Did you watch Monday Night RAW this week? If so, did you watch it live? Commercials and all? If so, then God bless you. You must have the patience of a saint (or legitimately nothing else to do with your night).

I watched Monday Night RAW via my DVR recording, as I usually do because I would rather staple my ears to a horse than sit through 3+ hours on what RAW has to offer these days. Most weeks I usually end up fast-forwarding through roughly 1.5-2 hours of the show and only watching the worthwhile parts.

This week was a much different story. Do you want to know how much of it I fast-forwarded through this week? All of it except for the opening segment. I’m not joking, I did not watch a single part after the opening segment featuring The Shield and Strowman, Ziggler and McIntyre. That’s how bad this show was this week.

Despite the fact that Triple H and Stephanie McMahon were in the building it was still Baron Corbin who was in charge. He announced that the main event would be a 6-man tag match between The Shield and Corbin plus a mystery team, which made it painfully obvious that it was going to be AOP. This opening segment also showed Ziggler, Strowman, and McIntyre trying to sway Dean Ambrose over to their side, teasing a potential heel turn for Ambrose in the main event.

Spoiler: there was no heel turn, and the main event was as lame as one would expect. Go ahead and toss AOP in with the pile of soulless tag teams that occupy the RAW roster. Ever since they were stripped of their full name and Paul Ellering they have not been the same, and I doubt they will ever recover given WWE’s current pace of destroying talented tag teams.

Let’s see, what else did RAW offer this week? Well, we had Finn Balor against Jinder Mahal to promote the Mixed Match Challenge, because what’s the sense in putting Finn Balor in a real feud where he can showcase his awesome talents? Pffttt, who needs that? No, this is great, let’s just keep sticking Finn in these useless matches against bums like Corbin and Mahal. That’s what the WWE fans want!

You can’t see it but as I wrote that my eyes rolled so far into the back of my head I would make The Undertaker tremble.

It is usually at this point that we are treated to The Ronda Rousey Ass-Kissing Hour, but she was not on the show this week. Interesting, isn’t it? I guess Mrs. “I’m not just doing this for fun or part-time” couldn’t be bothered to show up this week.

But fear not! The WWE made up for Ronda’s absence with a truly scintillating 6-woman tag match featuring The Riott Squad vs. Natalya & The Bellas. Before I go any further let me just say this: I like The Riott Squad. I think all three of those women have potential and I despise the fact that they are forced to job out to talentless hacks like The frickin’ Bellas.

So let’s get to our little reality stars, shall we? Want to know what it feels like to watch The Bellas run around and imitate what they believe to be wrestling in the ring? Do this: take your hands, hold open both your eyelids and then have somebody spray Windex directly into them. That’s what it’s like. It’s painful, it’s damaging to your eyesight, and it will make you want to close your eyes for the rest of the night.

The worst part about The Bellas is that they are legitimately dangerous to their opponents in the ring. Luckily, Twitter was all over it last night when Brie botched her patented (actually stolen from her husband) YES kicks.

Brie went full “Botch Moooooooode!” on this one:

That’s right, she kicked Liv Morgan directly in the face. DIRECTLY in the face. And even worse was that she absolutely knocked Liv out by doing so. Liv Morgan was out cold in the middle of the ring thanks to Brie Bella and her incompetence.

Here’s my question: what do you suppose would happen if this was a mid-card superstar who didn’t have their own reality show on the E! network? The answer is simple: he would be god damn fired. The WWE has fired wrestlers for a lot less and knocking out an opponent due to an unsafe, horribly executed kick would absolutely be a fireable offense.

But not if you’re Brie Bella. No, no, no. Not when you have a reality show on the E! Network that WWE gets to promote. Is it even a successful show, though? I mean, are people really watching that slime? The ratings can’t be that good if Brie & Nikki had to come crawling back to WWE so that they could leach off of the company’s marketing power.

I will, however, give credit where it’s due. Brie took to Twitter after the show and (sort of?) apologized to Liv Morgan for her carelessness.

Apology or not, the fact remains that Brie Bella does not belong inside of a WWE ring. Period. End of story. Send her, her sister, and their trash fire of a reality show away from the WWE for good, for all our sakes.

Anyway, I said it in the title of this recap and it’s true; nothing else particularly interesting happened on RAW. The Revival had a tag match against Ziggler & McIntyre for the RAW Tag Team Championships, which I would have watched had it not been for WWE systematically burying The Revival for the past several months on TV.

Spoiler: The Revival lost (shocking, I know).

Ho hum, another lame-ass Monday Night RAW with little-to-no action. But be sure to tune in next week! I’m sure Ronda will be back from vacation (maybe, she might be too busy) and she’ll team up with The Bellas in a “let’s see who Brie murders this week” match!